Friends, I am about to get vulnerable AF with you today.
I’m doing this for a few reasons… firstly, for accountability. Secondly, because I know that I’m not alone. Thirdly, because I have very important information and stories to share that I know can help others.
My journey is going to be different this time. I’m going to forget EVERYTHING I know about losing weight. I’m going to start from the absolute beginning, build myself a strong foundation to then start creating a healthy life on top of.
My main focus is going to be on mindset work. I will be doing journaling, affirmations, tapping, meditations, yoga… but I very well may not even get to any sort of cardio workouts. Or maybe I will. I’m leaving this part of it undefined right now, because if I start piling up more on top of the loose outline that is in my head right now, I’ll get overwhelmed and I’ll quit – because that is my M.O.
I will start with just sharing where I am now, my “Starting Point.” Part of me wants to be super vulnerable and post my weight & measurements, but it’s really not necessary, because this is all going to be mindset focused. Maybe at the end I will, to show how incredibly important the mindset work is to being successful in weight loss.
I am by no means and expert, I’m not trained and I hold no certifications in how to spiritually lose weight. I’m winging it based on things I’ve done in the past that have worked, and what I’ve found in my research online. This is going to be intuitive led, and a journey to letting your inner child step back from the free reign you’ve given her, and let your adult self step up to the plate and make responsible decisions.
Weight loss is too often too focused on a number instead of how you feel. So right away, I’ll ask you to put away your scale if you’re going to join me on this journey. I may never weigh myself, because that isn’t what this is about.
I’ve been overweight since about 7 or 8, I’d say. I’ve always been the chubby kid, and I was always told I’d grow out of it. But guess what. I didn’t. I was a very picky child who grew up in a meat and potatoes household and dessert every night after dinner type of household. Carb heavy, veggie light and processed a lot. But that was the 80s and the 90s, that was how people ate.
My weight never really held me back. I hated gym but I still played sports in school. I always had guys who liked me, I had boyfriends, I never felt self-conscious or ashamed. In my 20s, I gained a lot of weight. A lot. My husband and I met when I was 18, so he was with me from a size 16 to a size 26. In 2014, I had my first child. After delivering her, I got reprimanded by the nurse to lose weight. Imagine sitting there, naked, legs shaky from the epidural, blood leaking from you as a reminder of the innocent, amazing life you just birthed into this world, and your nurse is hosing you off like a circus elephant telling you how unhealthy you are, and that you will most likely die and not be around for your child if you don’t take care of it now. Yes, friends, I’m crying as I’m typing this. This was the most amount of shame I’ve ever felt about myself. Even at my heaviest weight – I was still confident. I knew I was worthy and pretty even if I was bigger than most girls. I still loved myself. But that was all going to change.
I magically and mysteriously dropped 120 pounds after having my daughter. I was back down to a size 16 and I hadn’t changed any of my eating habits. I don’t know how it happened, but I felt amazing! It was easier to move around, I was wearing clothes in this size I hadn’t seen since high school. It was incredible! But I wasn’t confident at all! I felt more self-conscious than ever with all the extra skin I had. Skinny didn’t make me happy. I couldn’t believe it!
In 2015, I had awful abdominal pain that landed me in the ER. In the span of a few weeks, I had undergone 2 surgeries – an ERCP to remove a gall stone from my bile duct, and then a cholecystectomy to remove my gall bladder itself. This opened up a can of worms that I wasn’t prepared for. Since the surgeries, I’ve had incredible pain and discomfort. I’m bloated, gassy, uncomfortable and to be quite honest, I’m scared to find out what is wrong. I know there is something wrong. I know part of this is why I’m struggling with my weight on a medical level. I have a script for blood work to check my thyroid too, and I’ve got a referral for a Gastroenterologist and a Nutritionist. I’ll be sharing that all with you once I woman up and make the appointments. I know there are medical reasons behind why I’m having trouble, but I also know physically I need to tune into my body more so that I’m eating healthier, eating less, and choosing better foods over less-than-good ones.
2016 brought my second pregnancy and with my son came 40 pounds and wicked post partum depression. In addition to those 40 pounds, I’ve gained 20 more in the past two years since his birth. I’m at the tippy top of a size 18 – because you don’t really understand just how your body changes after kids. It really does. Clothes do not fit like they used to. Everything is just different. I felt like a stranger when I looked in the mirror.
The joint pain is back. The depression never dissipated. It’s hard to move and get up and down the stairs again. My clothes are tight, I’ve bumped up a size in shirts and the pants are a struggle. Every day I feel this unhappiness at the thought of getting dressed because I know the feeling that is coming when that shirt goes on and my belly sticks out or my boobs stretch the fabric so tightly. I immediately let the voice in my head start yelling nasty stuff at me. And when I’m already not feeling well from whatever is going on with me medically – the daily stomach aches and overall yuckiness – the last thing I have energy for is to tell that voice to shut up!
MY PLAN – How to make losing weight a spiritual thing
My main plan of attack with this, is mindset – mindset – mindset!
Figure out WHY I’m emotionally and stress-attached to food.
Why do I not know when to stop, and end up over-full and uncomfy?
What is healthy to me? What would being healthy mean, and how would I look if I were healthy?
It’s all about focusing on the head space and less on the going on a diet and joining a gym. Yes, what we eat is so important. I am going to be working on making smarter food choices, but I refuse to diet. They don’t work. You end up restricting then binging. Or risk gaining it all back when you reintroduce foods you cut out. So I will work to develop a healthy point of knowing when to stop eating, when I need to eat more or less of something, and to really learn to trust and listen to my intuition and my body.
I’ve never treated my body like a temple, and it’s time.
I will be keeping a daily journal that I will turn into weekly or monthly posts here. I’ll share what works and what doesn’t, you will read my wins and my not-so-wins ( its not a loss, its a lesson – I’ll try again!) and I’ll be as open and honest with you as I’ve been in this post.
I hope you join me on this journey ❤