Becoming ME

Hello, Lovelies!

When I began my spiritual journey, I never anticipated that it would change me so much that I no longer felt that my given name was “right”. For months, as I continued to explore my beliefs and spirituality, I felt more and more detached from my name. I didn’t feel that it was “me” anymore. I wasn’t that person, so how could I continue to go by that name?

I had posted a few times in my groups asking if others felt this way too, and there was an overwhelming YES from everyone who commented. Many witches choose a witch name to work under. Authors choose pen names to write under, so why couldn’t I, too, choose a name that fit my spiritual, witch side?

It took months for me to finally settle on a name. I had explored Goddesses, Earthy names, words that I loved, but nothing was feeling “Right”. If I was going to be changing my name, it had to truly and fully embody me as I am now and as I will be as I continue to grow.

I love astrology, and I’ve always been fascinated with being a Leo/Cancer cusp’er. I loved being the embodiment of both fire and water. So many of my traits – such as my obsession with the moon – come from the Cancer influences, and so I knew I was going to choose a name that could represent my moon loving Cancer side, and so I was looking at the name Selene for awhile, connected to the Moon Goddess. I considered Selena, or Lune or Luna, but nothing felt right. And then I stumbled across a mermaid oracle deck and Siren jumped out at me, and naggled at me for days afterwards. It was then that I knew my new name was going to be something related to Sirens… and that is how I came up with Sirena.

I also knew I wanted a last name to use for online business purposes, and so I chose Morrigan, after the Celtic Goddess. I don’t often use it though, however; I still consider it a part of my name.

When it came time to drop my first name, it didn’t feel right to do so. I didn’t want to completely erase or forget the person that I was born as and spent thirty-plus years embodying. We don’t want to delete our past, just use it to learn and cultivate a better future. And so I knew I was going to be keeping my given name, Laura. And thus, Laura Sirena Morrigan came to be.

We don’t want to delete our past, just use it to learn and cultivate a better future.

When I first started saying the name aloud, I waited for the awkwardness, but it never came. Saying Laura Sirena never felt weird or wrong, it actually felt perfectly right. It clicked immediately, and it felt like I’d finally found my true self.

Eventually, I changed my name on my personal Facebook account to Laura Sirena as well, and it surprised me that no one asked me about it. Maybe it seemed silly to some, but maybe others thought it was my real name or also felt it was right for me to go by Laura Sirena now. I am not sure. I never even had that moment of worrying about what others would think about me suddenly changing my name. I haven’t legally changed it, but it has crossed my mind. It isn’t something that is just a ‘right now’ thing.

As a teenager, I once decided to go by Beth, shortened from my middle name, Elisabeth. I thought Beth was way cooler than Laura, and the thought of being someone new was extremely intriguing to teen me. I wrote it all over my folders, told all of my teachers, and within a few days, I changed my mind and went back to being Laura. I remember my math teacher smiling at me and saying, you’re not Beth are you? And I laughed and said, “No, I am Laura through and through.” She was always one of my favorite teachers, and she told me all about how at my age we were trying to figure out who we are, and who we will be in the future. Teen me couldn’t fully grasp that, but I had always felt like I didn’t belong. I always felt an outcast even though I had many friends and hobbies. I was a loner, really. I loved being home, not out partying or socializing. I lost myself in books and doodles, writing stories and laying in bed in the dark listening to The Doors. I lost myself in romantic daydreams and thinking of the day I found true love. I was not a typical teen, and I’m not even close to a typical adult.

I had always felt like I didn’t belong… I was not a typical teen, and I’m not even close to a typical adult.

My twenties were a very difficult time for me. When I think of those first ten years of my ‘adult’ life, it makes sad. It brings back that completely desolate and lost feeling that I felt for that decade. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing or what I even wanted. I floated and drifted from job to job, apartment to apartment. I never felt that sense of belonging. The only constant was my boyfriend (now husband) and my two best friends, who are still with me to this day. When they say people come into your life for a reason, I fully believe this. These are three people that I am completely convinced I’ve spent past lives with, and that we are together again in this incarnation for a reason.

When they say people come into your life for a reason, I fully believe this.

It was in my twenties that I really began to take an interest in spirituality. I visited Lily Dale, NY – a spiritualist community in Western New York, and also got my first tarot deck. I formed a love for crystals and even began dabbling in meditation. This all felt like a breath of fresh air, like I’d found something that had been missing for so long.

But I wasn’t mature enough at the time to know that I needed to surrender myself fully to developing this side of me. I was still very emotionally immature and had many learned behaviors from my childhood that kept me in the dark. I still struggle today with allowing myself to believe that life is happening FOR me, and not TO me. I was extremely stuck in a victim mentality, and I still have trouble today not allowing that story to lodge itself as a belief in my mind. I needed to belong to someone or something. I couldn’t be alone, though I felt even more alone than ever because the life I was living wasn’t the one I saw myself needing to live. Who was I? Who was this girl who couldn’t hold a job, finish college, always struggled financially and had no drive or goals or purpose? When would I just ‘grow up’ already and be that responsible person?

I needed to belong to someone or something. I couldn’t be alone, though I felt even more alone than ever because the life I was living wasn’t the one I saw myself needing to live. Who was I? Who was this girl who couldn’t hold a job, finish college, always struggled financially and had no drive or goals or purpose? When would I just ‘grow up’ already and be that responsible person?

But who we think we should be and who we really should be are sometimes two different people. As children, we are molded to be who our parents think we should be, and what we find we are good at once we are in school. Sometimes our parents push upon us their own lost dreams, and this can be confusing when we are already struggling with trying to develop our own person. It’s pushed upon us to go to college and then get a good job, settle down and get married and have children and there you go – voila! A boxed life.

But the doesn’t satisfy some of us. I am currently married and a mom of two and it’s always been in my life plan to be a mom and a wife. I’ve always known that, and my soul is completely satisfied in these roles. But we are more than just mom and wife. We are more than sister and friend, co-worker and daughter. Yet we are forced into these neat and tidy labels from an early age. The smart one, the dumb one. The fat one the thin one. The pretty one the ugly one. The successful one, the lazy one. And we carry these with us as we grow, and even worse, we truly believe them! We believe absolutely that we ARE what we grew up being told we are.

we are more than just mom and wife. We are more than sister and friend, co-worker and daughter. Yet we are forced into these neat and tidy labels from an early age. The smart one, the dumb one. The fat one, the thin one. The pretty one, the ugly one. The successful one, the lazy one. And we carry these with us as we grow, and even worse, we truly believe them! We believe absolutely that we ARE what we grew up being told we are

Getting older has always scared me. There are times my heart still gets gripped by fears fingers and I worry about all the people that I am going to lose. I have experienced many close deaths at a young age. My cousin died unexpectedly when I was 14. At 18 I lost a high school friend and my aunt, at 19 I lost my brother, and at 24 I lost my beloved grandmother. All in those early years where I was trying to figure out who I was, I lost all of these people in my life. It left me with deep abandonment issues and a fear of losing those I loved – and a fear of death itself, because I didn’t know what my spiritual beliefs were. I didn’t know what I believed about the afterlife. Was there even one? I’d spent years forced into Sunday School and at 14 made my confirmation, but those weren’t my beliefs. I was afraid to even admit that until this past year. I didn’t know what I believed, but it wasn’t fully what I was raised to believe. Sure, I believed in the idea of a God and a Heaven, but was I allowed to question any of what I’d been told was real? If I doubted any of it, was that confirming my spot in Hell? Would God strike me down at this exact moment for saying that I though the Bible wasn’t what I was meant to follow and believe in?

I’m always looking to help others. Once, it was in a people pleasing way, but now it is in a Lightworker looking to heal the world kind of way.

This post hadn’t been planned to be this vulnerable. In fact, lately I have been struggling with being vulnerable and trusting because I once again feel there are people in my life that use things that I say against me. When I post things on Facebook, I don’t want to have to think about who might take it the wrong way or bring it up in the future in a negative way against me. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I share a lot of things that really resonate with me, even though I’m not necessarily going through it at that moment in time, someone might be. And they might see it and it might help them. I’m always looking to help others. Once, it was in a people pleasing way, but now it is in a Lightworker looking to heal the world kind of way.

I’ve always known, since I was very little, that I was different… that I AM different. I am here to make a difference.

I’ve always known, since I was very little, that I was different… that I AM different. I am here to make a difference. My mission and soul purpose in life is to help and to heal, to share my story, to be vulnerable and emotional, and to shine my light and guide others towards their brightest lights and most unique and authentic paths. We are in this together, we are ONE, and one person CAN make a difference. You are here to inspire others to do this as well, just as I am. Together, we can bring healing to this planet we call home ❤

Much Love xx

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